Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
