Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Randomize
