It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
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