I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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