so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
it's like iHOP with fire
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
