Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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