I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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