i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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