this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
