I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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