I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Couch. On fire.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
