i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize