So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
