Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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