I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Say something about gay babies.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
