My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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