11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
