i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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