just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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