I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
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