Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
