I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
