party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
