OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Randomize