I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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