After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I have fence marks all over my body
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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