I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
