Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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