Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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