I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Boobs speak an international language.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Randomize
