How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
