He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
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