Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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