Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
