Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
