My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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