My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
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