We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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