So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
