The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
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