My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Randomize
