You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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