I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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