got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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