the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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