my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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