not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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