I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
