I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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