All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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