WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
