ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
