Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Randomize
