wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
