two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
