he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
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