she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
