I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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