it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
