I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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