i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
