Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
