You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize