I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
