i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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