I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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