paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
