I think I am morally bankrupt
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
